Tuesday, February 21, 2012

LIBRARIES 'STEALING', SAYS RIGHT-WING LOON

By A VACUOUS NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD JOURNALISM GRAD, SYDNEY

IN borrowing books without charge, library members worldwide are stealing money from hard-working multinational publishing houses, a right-wing lunatic said today.

"our primary objective is to reduce the intelligence quotient of the planet to that of a pre-industrial Down Syndrome bonobo menagerie... BUT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE WE ARE DOING THEM A FAVOUR"

The lunatic, who has recently been totally legitimised by our relentless uncritical coverage of his specious but egoistically appealing claptrap, claims book borrowing practices endemic in Australia are undermining an equitable freemarket system, somehow causing NAB and Westpac to raise their interest rates - but only for loans, not deposits.

Such results have, he stresses, absolutely fuck-all to do with said banks - or their CEOs, who dine regularly with our editorial staff - and whose employees are all harmless smiling tellers who are responsible members of your local community and could easily be donning their maroon blazers right now in the house next door to you. They could even be your wife, or husband, or someone else related to you! Do you love them or not?!

Anyway - over the forthcoming two fiscal quarters, if this newspaper hypothetically agreed with the lunatic's theory, then we would definitely recommend that you - the reader - do the following:

  • cease all borrowing of library books immediately;
  • commence homo-baiting of all library members, librarians and people who clean libraries - call them totes poofters;
  • use your facebook to label all library-frequenters 'fucking bludgers' - really ride the guilt trip home by quoting AM radio shock-jocks verbatim;
  • if you work on site or in a warehouse, fear not, we have skin-mags avail w/ articles about the awesomeness of guns, necrotoxins and, incidentally, the homosexuality of libraries - remember, we're currently positioning gay dudes as evil, not zany-cool, that's next week's edition;
  • FOUR WORDS: THEY TOOK OUR JOBS; and...
  • we'll do the rest ;) - by which we mean, hypothetically we would do the rest if we agreed with this but as objective journalists we are simply prioritising the lunatic's opinion, not quoting his detractors unless we can present them as being insane, and framing headlines in such a way that the fact that the opinion is the lunatic's rather than ours is incidental to the impact upon the reader's consciousness... look, just back off, Jonathan Holmes, you trapesium-faced communist - your job is next
EDITED - OK FOR PRESS - GINA xxx